DEAR R.I.M,

This is to the top brass over at Research In Motion (RIM) that follow my blog religiously, or so I hope. When you finally get your act together next year and roll out your new line up of QNX powered smartphones, please, please find some new names. Some of us got sea sick with the most recent line up of 2 dozen Bolds, 4 touch Curves, 3 Torches 2 French hens and a partridge in a pear tree. Ok, so maybe you can keep the 'Bold' as it's been the flagship model but one is truly enough. I'm sure you can make it work for all carriers a la Apple iPhone 4S - yes that was a cheap shot - and that might help reduce manufacturing costs as well. And while we're on the subject, how about whoever gives the final "yes" try saying "no" for a change like the late great innovator's innovator Steve Jobs did - that was another cheap shot - until it's a real life betcha by golly wow (sorry, Prince is playing in my head) phone that screams "yes."

Allegedly, you used strong arm tactics to get carriers to accept your 75% completed phones in the past but now the tables have turned. There are better OSs, thinner, faster, sexier and more consumer friendly phones that trump the almighty BB Enterprise. And all you've done is axe thousands of jobs, lost key players and got so desperate your Playbook probably couldn't help a pee wee league football team score much less lock horns with the iPad. Today's word of the day boys and girls, REVAMP. Everything. Start with the 2 CEOs. As mentioned numerous times before, put them on the board then get young, fresh and rebellious.

Try some cool advertising too. Do you think the head honcho of a fortune 500 company is going to keep you afloat? Really!? There's a slew of entrepreneurs (hate spelling that word) and people creating everyday. Those are the guys you should be after. Not the old dude in his Brooks Brothers suit and cap toe Allen-Edmonds, but the dude with the tatts that decided to work for Microsoft instead of RIM because Bill Gates knows tatts don't write code, people do. In layman's terms, drop the stuffy corporate attitude, take off your jacket, loosen up your tie, step inside the booth Superman is still alive - oh wait, I digressed that was a Jay-Z line - but still you get the point, I hope. But back to the phones. Let your engineers go crazy with it and see if they can best themselves and in turn they'll best the competition. Remember though, get some new names sans the Bold.

REVAMP. Everything. Anyone over there thought about the BB website having a makeover? I don't think it would hurt to try, I mean it's not like you can't run a beta in a test environment. Look at Apple, Samsung or even LG, they're sites for mobile prods are engaging, bright, and entertaining. They have a lot of coolness running in the background. The flash content is flashy. Wow, I just said flash content is flashy...smh...I've been writing too long. Yes your phones are all black but the all black everything without any visual stimulation is kind of oh hum.

Listen, I've been a proud BB user for nearly 7 years but I'm at my wits end. If it wasn't for the flawed design on the iPhone 5 (yeah I said it) that prompted only the release of the 4S I would have been selling candy in the subway to pay for a tear drop 5. But alas, I must wait. I like what you've done in years past but those years have passed. Wake up, smarten up, freshen up and get on your Jobs. I have a lot more to say but time is running and my supervisor might be wondering why I'm so quiet. So, in parting I wish you the best and a rebellious comeback. Get like me and you could be cool too. REVAMP. Everything.

(Insert raised eyebrow emoticon and rabbit ears)

SWEET AND SOUR APPLE - FOLLOW UP

What a travesty!? This is a sham I tell you, a sham. If there was ever a more wanton display of consumer abuse and power in new era capitalism, I'd be shocked....Sooo, who else is pre-ordering the iPhone 4S with me on Fri. Oct. 7th?

Okay, granted after all this time, all the rumors, all the hoopla and crap you were anticipating an iPhone 5 with the secret decoder ring and Klingon phaser app but you have to admit Siri sounds sexy (don't judge me.) Truthfully, I waited it out to the end in case Tim Cook and Co. were going to pull an "oh, by the way" and unveil the 5 towards the end. But alas, the 5 is still merely a number invented by the number people centuries ago. Millions of the 4S will be sold worldwide as Apple's kung fu grip on the market gets more, umm, er, grippy. Good news folks, the 3S and 4 will still be around and at a bargain basement price. Just don't think you'll be loading either up with tons of apps, pics, vids and music. My suggestion, get your all time favorite video (1), a picture of the 2 closest people to you, your top 10 songs of the decade and a pencil and paper for your contacts because 8 gigs is really 2 gigs in a shiny box.

Well, it was a somewhat eventful and wasted hour of my life. Hey, come on now, wipe the schmuck look off your face and cheer up. With this announcement confirming no iPhone 5 this year that means we have a whole 12 months to gear up to go through the same mind numbing fiasco again in 2012. See you there.

*Peace sign*

SWEET AND SOUR APPLE

To borrow a phrase from Kevin Hart, Alright, Alright! So, the latest iteration of the iphone will be announced today at 10AM PST in Cupertino, putting an end to months of rumors (some crazy as hell) and speculations. Let's get the obvious out of the way. The iphone will sell...a lot. Duh! There are already millions of iOS users and many more in the coming weeks when retail stores physically have the goods to unload to hordes of salivating customers eager to get their grubby hands on Apple's new baby. Myself? Eh, I've been waiting patiently since April 17th when my contract with T-Mobile expired so what's a few more weeks of blistering fast turtle like speeds on my Blackberry curve.

The not so obvious about the new iphone? What will it be called. We've all heard it's the iphone 5 or 4s or it just might be two phones - one top shelf and one for budget conscious ballers. 8 meg cam, Assistant (voice to text, etc) near 4" screen, A5 chip, possible 1gb RAM, 1.2ghz (maybe,) NFC, tear drop design, it cooks, cleans and can pick up the kids from daycare. Heard there's an app for that. I jest. If this means an entirely new phone then champagne will fall from the heavens, the birds will sing in chorus and men everywhere will be forgiven for spending part of the rent on another piece of tech.

But if not, then shame on you sour Apple for making the people wait so long just to offer an updated version of your last phone (which in the proper context is what phone manufacturers do every year anyway *insert sarcastic look*) This scenario would be devastating to the kiddies. Someone might actually jump off a cliff or the nearest curb. Either way, Apple wins and wins big. The biggest loser in this is T-mobile. If it wasn't for the fact that T-mobile is worth more than my entire collection of Yankee fitteds I might actually feel bad for them "...not getting the iphone 5 this year." Oh well, stay tuned boys and girls. Plenty more to come later around 1pm EST based on what's said at Apple's 'Let's talk iphone' event. But, umm, don't look for an update here, I'll be counting my ones to see if I can actually buy an iphone 5 or 4s or 4+5, whatever.

Deuces.